Eph 5:24-25, 28 - Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
I've been struggling with the concept of submissiveness lately. It hasn't been that big of an issue for me until recently. You know, since I got married and had to try to live it. I've ping ponged to both ends of the spectrum, thinking that either I need to just do what Coondog says or that I need to argue every point with him because I don't need to be submissive if he's not leading correctly. After all, how can I hold up my end when he's not holding up his? Aren't I just fighting for the overall good of our family if I know how things should be done?
Recently though, I had an epiphany: What if there is no "right" way to do things? I'm not talking about clear spiritual rules here, just everyday life stuff. What if doing things his way is just as right as doing things my way? It's really just another way of doing things. There are pros and cons to each. We've discussed the pros and cons until we're both blue in the face. If we can't both get our own way, why should I be the one who does? What makes me more special than him? In fact, when we got married, I promised to love, honor and obey, thus giving up my right to always have things my way. As I made sure to point out at the time, this wasn't to be a blind, unthinking obedience, but a willingness to let him lead since obviously we couldn't both do it. It's not fair to choose him to be the head of our household, to marry him because I trust in his goodness and love, then to say, "Well, I don't like your style anymore. I'm taking over as leader." That's setting our marriage up for failure.
Coondog and I discussed leadership and submissiveness this weekend. He's agreed that if for some reason he can't lead in a particular area, I may need to step in. He's human and therefore fallible; it could happen. However, me jumping in shouldn't be the first step. I've agreed that the first step is for me to pray about it. Then and only then should I address the issue with him. If things don't change, I need to pray some more and maybe address it again. Then most likely I need to drop it. If it isn't causing any serious harm, I'll let God deal with him. (Granny Girl calls this "going to the Big Boss.") Maybe I'll realize that I was wrong in the first place *gasp* and I need to let God deal with me. Maybe God is working on my husband on His own timetable rather than mine. God does that sometimes. If it's a truly serious and urgent matter and I feel peace that God has released me to do so, I will step in respectfully and take care of it. At this point, Coondog will be responsible for getting his own heart right and not resenting that I had to step in. This will be easier for him if I'm respectful and I won't have anything to feel guilty about if I haven't tried to stomp on his feelings.
I guess the heart of my epiphany goes back to that age old truth that men crave respect and women crave love. It's hard for him to show love to someone that appears to disrespect him. Since it's hard for me to respect someone who doesn't act lovingly, it's a two way street. We both have to hold up our end. Submission is basically respectful love - showing that I trust him enough to let him have the final say. In turn, this will lead him to act more lovingly and the cycle will continue.
I'm still struggling with how to convey respect in a way that's meaningful to him (we have different love languages which is a whole 'nother story), but this whole nebulous concept of submission is finally falling into place for me. As Coondog says, it's something you don't understand until you understand it. Hopefully it will become clearer with practice.
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